Football and Housekeeping

SO SORRY I have been negligent in my posts. I had to fly down to Tahiti and help Ali with all that Frank nonsense….bless her heart, she was devastated. And of course, Chelsea Clinton is getting married, and they want me to do the floral arrangements. I declined to help out on the Mel Gibson situation because, frankly, I only have a bachelor’s degree in Social Work/Counseling, and he needs a PhD. AT LEAST. He is a wreck, bless his heart.

Just when I thought I could come home and relax, and try to lessen the prevalence of my seizures, everybody in the world is clamoring for my attention. What did these folks do when I worked full time? They made do, and although I would love to help, there is only one me. They will just have to understand! Wink!

I’ve missed blogging…but there is not much to blog about, I guess. I have been at home, doing the regular housework and anything else that comes up...

I am trying to learn football basics because: #1 Emily’s cute boyfriend is playing offensive receiving lineman left rear end tackle, and I need to know all about that position, and #2. The ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE are the National Champions, and I need to learn why we are so dadgum good!

To that end, I have my housework divided into Offense, Defense, and Special Teams. Of course, defense is the regular day to day stuff that you must stay on top of or the house will take over. Example: Something is up with the dishes in the sink. Somehow, they crawl out of the cabinets and into the sink WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE or PERMISSION. I had really started to notice a pattern. When I go to bed, no dishes, when I wake up...dishes. So I set up video surveillance. The video reveals a rather attractive woman who leaves the kitchen, not even looking at the sink. So I think the problem is the night staff. She may need to be re-assigned, and the job delegated to someone else. It's a shame, really.

“Special teams” is the stuff I have assigned to Michael. He is very, very special to me.

Offense is when I have company headed this way. It is called, “Company in 15 Minutes!!” I get everybody busy (everybody meaning me, sometimes Emily, and Patch moving from his bed in the living room to his bed in the bedroom). There’s not too much to be done, usually. In the living room, I have the area under the couches already standing by at the time of such an emergency. Magazines, shoes in the floor etc get pushed under there. I have an ottoman that is hollow…well, made to be hollow--it has games and notebooks and other various and sundry things. That is where the pillows and blankets go. Sometimes, I have to take some of the board games out and put them under the couch so the blankets fit….but the offensive line coaches up in the booth make that call. I throw the remotes in there on top of the blankets. Straighten the picture frames, turn off the overhead light and use “ambient” lighting such as lamps or the sunlight through the windows to soften the overall look of the room. Remember, too much light highlights cobwebs and dust.

Here is the rest of my advice:

In the kitchen, the oven is the go to storage for any dishes in the sink. Banana boxes will work in a pinch. You shove the dishes in, and put the whole box on the back porch. Since they are waxed, they hold in the soap and watered down dishes well. Now, if said company heads out there, throw a sheet over it all and say “That’s the Yard Sale pile. Don’t you hate getting ready for a Yard Sale? And Mercy, in this heat? I don’t know WHAT I was thinking!” And that gives you time to make a diversion back into the house where the air is. (Keep ‘em moving!)

Oh wait, don’t forget the guest bathroom. Rookie mistake. I mean, if company comes in needing to use the bathroom right away and you have forgotten to straighten up in there, it is a dead give-a-way that you are a pretend housekeeper. Keep a bottle of Windex under the sink. Spray the toilet seat, the faucets, and the mirror. Wipe it off in the opposite order. Clean the mirror (bottom half will suffice), swish the sink and faucets, and then tackle the toilet. I know, this is why you don’t do it in the first place, but this is an emergency. Just close your eyes somewhat to make everything blurry and just clean it. It won’t take but just a second. Spray the shower curtain with Febreeze, and it’s good as gold. IF they need to pee and I have forgotten this room, I ask Emily to go make sure the guest bath has enough toilet paper. She knows the drill.

It goes without saying that you shut the doors on all the other rooms adjacent to the main Living area, and you’re done. Sometimes I let Patch come out of the bedroom just to create some home-y ambiance. Perk a pot of coffee, and lay out some Little Debbie’s. Done.

All kidding aside, my seizures are the same, but at least I can lay down when I feel one coming on OR lay down right away after one. That makes a difference in the postictal phase, it seems. At work, of course, neither was an option. I can’t talk about work, or I will cry. Wait, I think I hear someone at the door! Aargh, where is my banana box?

“Emily, make sure the guest bathroom has toilet paper! Patch, go get on your bed!”

Take care y'all! Love and joy!

~Vicky